Ready, Set, New Year!

December 31, 2008 via text to my friend J:

"What are you wearing tonight, I just want to look cute?! I am going to Macy's to see if they have the boots I want on sale. I want to wear a dress but it is soooo cold out-no matter I won't be kissing anyone regardless!"

Now the words above are not entirely correct, but I do remember having a conversation with my girl friend J like that before she came over to my house for a long night of need I say, "What did I do???".

Yep that was me a year ago, not even single for a full year, trying everything I could to cover up the blemish that I thought leaving my sons father had created. Little did I know at the time it was the blemish I was creating by dating a ton and drinking too much those first few months that I would have to face head on in 2009.

Well...January 1, 2009 I had a massive headache and a clear vision that has followed me through to 3 days ago when I read this post on mssinglemama.com . The vision I had is irrelevant, however after viewing her post (do it!) I realized that a lot has been unfulfilled and I am still where I was one year ago.

Now, I have replaced the alcohol with running (and may I say I look hot), my two jobs with one great one, and the random men for more solid relationships...my point is I have changed a lot and mostly for the better. My evolution is ready to hit it's peak where I really am starting to understand myself, and it's awesome. However, there was still that need to have men in my life-how silly but their attention is my vulnerability.

I don't think I am alone when I wish and hope that I could find that one true person that I can share my thoughts and feelings with. Someone to help me with my son when his hyperness has reached it' peak and I am going to lose it. Mainly though, I am looking forward to meeting that someone. So much so that i think almost every guy I date is "that someone". My naivete in regards to what I need and want has since the beginning of 2009 turned into empowerment.

I know longer need the attention and affection from a man. I will be making more attempts to meet other single mothers. I won't make excuse as to why I cannot bring myself around couples and their kids. I will stop cleaning when my son asks me to play with him (my house does not need to be spotless all the time!!!).

I will it.

All the silly mistakes I made last year I have learned from and I cannot wait to make new mistakes in the upcoming year. However I know it will be with great clarity that I attempt to move forward as well.

Here's to 2010!!!

p.s. I am sitting home with My Lovely Boy an d he was asleep by 8:30, win for me!!!

Newness for the New Year!

For starters, I am single again. Yippee! Not really, but I like the idea of getting my checks and balances in place again before I commit to another relationship.



Secondly...I will start to have my son Sunday through Thursday evening every week. That means 5 dinner's a week and breakfasts too...I am scared as hell to do the full-time Mom thing. I know I can do it, I know it is not all about dinner and breakfasts but more about a solid routine for My Lovely Boy. He deserves it. His father(my son's) has committed to having him every weekend, he will pick him up from daycare on Friday and drop him off at my house Sunday afternoon. You see, he FINALLY got a new job..he had a dead end job that was going know where and I am so thankful that he found something. I really hope this is the year things turn around for him...



So anyways-being single, having my son full-time all totally new. I am excited and feel refreshed and slightly hyper at the thought of all of it. WHEW. Deep Breath.



Last but not least I will attempt to post more :)

Happy New Year!

Time!

I am sorry blog for losing interest in you! I wrote a few posts and then thought about writing posts. More often than not I wrote them in my head(if anyone does that please let me know) but never made it to my computer.

I could have had post after post, maybe more than one follower, maybe comments, OMG...maybe advertising.

OK, that is just silly.

This is a public forum and I am going to start using it again. I've thought about deleting the previous posts since so much has happened since then. However, what is the fun in that? I will devote more time to my blog. I will get out of bed and write down my thoughts. Ugh. I will try.

The hat I'm wearing is holding my hair from blowing all over the place, he asked me to wear it because he said it made me look hot, hah! I can't help but think as I am on this long bike ride with him that this could be our life together...peaceful trips to the country together, silent happiness in enjoying the scenery, enjoying the wind and the sun, being close to one another.



It has been almost 2 weeks since Man in Waiting and I have spoken (read here for what happened the last time we spoke). He sent me a nice e-mail, I sent him a couple notes as well. It's not going anywhere, nor will it ever, I am ready to move on.

In the meantime I have been getting closer with Boy Wonder. We went for a long bike ride Friday night...it was so nice being that close to him. Yeah know, I don't even feel like writing about him. He really pissed me off today and since I've been spending all my free time with him I haven't had time to post anything new.

I wrote this 2 weeks ago and am just now posting it. Not sure why Boy Wonder pissed me off...it doesn't matter. We are still hanging out just as much, I can't stop, I like him that much. It's easy. More on that later though.

Were meant to lose the people we love, or how else do we know we care for them...

They called him the guy with tattoos on his arms, the tall skinny guy, the guy with the perfect rowing body...they were talking about my Man in Waiting. I had asked one of my new teammates, as I had just joined a rowing team(I will be the coxswain, more on that later), to ask him if he wanted to sit in as they had a boat of seven but needed eight. I hoped he would join, he belongs on the water, he moves beautiful in a boat. He just finished up doing yoga though, he was relaxing on the deck. I was nervous to ask him.

He joined us. He was lead stroke. I joined the coach as he was teaching me terminology and rules of the river. I couldn't take my eyes off my Man in Waiting. He looked amazing, strong. He is actually 40 years old, 13 years older than me.

I joined the team on the sweep a little bit, the coach pulled the cox and put me in. I was sitting right across from Man in Waiting. He was my coach on that short trip. I listened to him, as unsure as I was, I felt comfortable, knowing that I was in charge of 8 other people, knowing he was there to help me.

When the team was finished, I waited for my Man in Waiting, I wanted to see him, talk to him, but I didn't know where to start. Women were staring at him, waiting there turn, even men were staring at him, jealous of his confidence and that women were not looking at them...

I stopped myself from speaking to him, I didn't want my teammates to know that we were familiar with one another, I wanted to give him a chance to talk to the other women that were there.

The prettiest girl there, tall, lithe, blond, and slightly eccentric could not take her eyes off of him. She wanted to talk to Man in Waiting so bad, I felt sorry for her that she was so obvious. While they were conversing I talked to some other people and finished my beer. I had asked him earlier if he needed a ride home as he road his bike to the boathouse, he said yes. I walked past Man in Waiting and the lithe blonde to the ladies room, as I came out she was gone and he was calling my name.

We fit his bike in my truck(SUV, I hate the word though) and I talked the whole way to his house. I told him everything that had happened that day and how much I have been working, but how happy it has made me. He smiled at me, later he told me it was because he enjoyed seeing me excited.

When we pulled up to his house, I didn't want to see him go in. I wanted to hold him and tell him how much I missed him.

We talked instead. A good, long talk.

So much was said, maybe too much. I realize that I loved him too early, but I love him still. There is something about my Man in Waiting. We might never be together and I may never understand him, nor may he ever understand me. He wait's for now, he wait's for me to figure out what I want, who I want, if it's him or Boy Wonder, or whom ever.

There is a lot more to this story, but it's time for bed.

Birthday Time!

My Lovely Boy turned 3 years old today! Can you believe it, 3-years-old!?

Sometimes I wonder how I got here, to this place, on my own, supporting myself and the love of my life. I can't explain why it has worked out so great, but it has.

I couldn't be happier to have a 3 year old little boy! He is smart, like when he tells me I am doing something wrong and I am! He has a sense of humor, telling me the wrong color of something only to say he is "kidding". He also is the biggest cuddler I know. I totally get sucked into his "give me a kiss" and "but I love you", all of the time. HOW COULD I BE SO LUCKY TO HAVE SUCH AN AMAZING KID!

As difficult as being a parent can be sometimes, I count my lucky stars everyday that I have a happy, healthy little boy. Hopefully, I will figure this blog thing out soon and dedicate an entire post to all of the cute things he says and maybe even post a few pics...nah...

Work it Out

I like to run, I run about 15 miles a week which averages about 3-4 miles a day depending on how many days I get out. I've been working on increasing my endurance and mileage each week, like really working at it. My goal is to run 5 miles next weekend and increase a 1/2 mile each week after.



Running has become an obsession for me, the feeling I get is un-explainable. I have heard of "runners high", this euphoric feeling that runners can get...it can be different for everyone, some people equate it to being like an orgasm, others say they feel as thought they are in some type of trance state. Regardless, I like it and I am going to continue to run.



Lately, Boy Wonder and I have been running at least twice a week with one another. It is nice to share something I love to do with someone else who appreciates it just as much. I am confused though. Is the great feeling I am getting being around Boy Wonder attributed to the fact that we exercise a lot with one another? For example, we ran yesterday morning and then went to yoga in the afternoon...am I getting "runner's high" while I am around him, is that why he is so appealing to me, because working out together puts us in a constant good mood???

I don't think it ia a bad thing, at least not for now...

Common People

Well, I had a great weekend, I drank, I danced, I...had a great time.





My lovely boy was with his father this weekend. We switched custody around and will now each have him for five days at a time vs. the hectic way we were doing it before. I cannot complain, not at all. There are a lot of single Mom's out there who's children rarely/never see their father. I WILL NOT complain about our custody arrangements. I have my moments where I really miss my son and disagree with how his father disciplines him, but he is a good father and a good man. I am very fortunate.



When my lovely boy is with his father it gives me time to hang out with my friends and go out on dates. I don't have to pay for a babysitter and I don't feel guilty leaving him with someone. It is truly a blessing.



I did go out on a couple of dates this weekend with Boy Wonder and even my Man in Waiting. It's been a long day though, I'll talk about it another time. Like I said, it was a great weekend...

Motorcycle rides, New Restaurants, and Good Friends

I went to lunch with Boy Wonder yesterday. He took me on his motorcycle...it was hot, he was hot, we both looked hot.



I knew he had a motorcycle and asked him if he would take me for a ride one day. Well the weather has been so nice that I couldn't wait for him to offer so I just told him too. To take me to lunch on his motorcycle that is...In true Melissa fashion I was impatient and thought it best for me to make a suggestion instead of waiting for him. We work in the same building so it wasn't like he had to go out of his way to come get me. It was great though...I had total trust in him, I wasn't scared at all. Plus it was a nice excuse to have my arms wrapped around his tight abs : )



Tonight I had dinner with two very close girlfriends of mine. We went to a new restaurant that opened up this past month, a French Bistro. It was a great time. The food was great. The company was great. I had a lovely evening. When we were leaving the owner/chef thought he recognized me. I can only hope he saw me at another restaurant and admired the fact that I enjoyed new food, good food, because I have no idea who he was.



I plan on going back to the restaurant, taking different friends. I love seeing people who's opinions I value critique a place that I think is special.

This restaurant was special, it has a very good vibe. Maybe I will take Boy Wonder next...he asked if I wanted to go for a longer ride.

I dunno

Two guys, ok, well technically 3, no 4 men are in my life right now that I care about. So frustrating, I could add like 5 more if I included my father and step father, and you get the idea...



So anyways, there are 4 guys in life: my son, he is the only constant and the only one who I truly care about. There is his father, I love him and care about him but not "like that", and then there are the 2 guys I am currently dating...I don't even know where to start with how to explain either one of them, or rather, WHY AM I DATING TWO GUYS AT ONCE?!?!



Regardless I care about them, I love my son, I like both guys. They have different positives and negatives about them as do I or any person for that matter...but what I see the most is that romance isn't everything with these guys. They are not all about wining and dining me, which is a good thing. They are honest and guttural with their feelings and have yet to disguise anything from me, at least that is what my gut feeling is telling me. The point is, they have seen me at my ugliest-sweaty, out of breathe with no make-up from running too hard, in a super bad mood, but also at my weakest, as in with my son whom I have never brought any new man around in the past year since I have been single or with my family whom I love more than life itself.



I dunno, I thought I would use this blog as a sounding board. A sounding board to myself not only about these 4 men, because let's face it there is only one constant, but also about the
unromantic, super geeky, sporty, ridiculous things I enjoy doing in my life. Here goes...