Blogger Redux

I suck at blogging. My last post was almost a year and a half ago!?!?

Looking back on my entries I seem too worried about dating and meeting the right guy than what should have been at the top of my priority list-being a good parent.

I must admit, I do not think I am a bad parent. My son has manners, he is well behaved in public, and often wants to help. If these were the only things that made the definition of what it is to be a good parent then I have mastered it! I mean, who else taught him to say excuse me when adults are speaking so as not to be rude and interrupt???!!!

As I write this however, I have sent him to his room for probably he 20th time today(it's noon). My patience are shot, my temper has risen, and I no longer have the desire to be around my 5 year old today. I want to give up. I asked him to write "thank you" cards today. WHAT A NIGHTMARE.

I know that his defiance is small compared to other ways he could be acting, however he won't do it and has proceeded to be rude and talk back.

SO, today I have resigned to writing this entry as an outlet to my frustrations and inadequacies as a parent, a Mom, a single-Mom in the hope I will feel better.

I guess we'll see...

Where to Start-2

• Wake-up (draggggg myself out of bed)


• Shower


• Make coffee


• Ge dressed


• Wake-up Brody


• Prepare breakfast and feed Brody(he eats while watching cartoons


• Finish getting ready(heat up care, finish putting make-up on, dress Brody)

If everything goes as planned I can make it out of my house by 8, if it goes as planned...

• Drop Brody off at daycare


• ETA for work is typically 9

My typical day of work consists of the usual meetings, reading of stupid e-mails, follow-ups to meetings, phone-call follow-ups to stupid e-mails...you get the picture. I can fit in a 4 mile run during lunch and usually some lifting as well. Sometimes-this is not one of those weeks however. I leave sometime after 5-if I am not too busy I will skip at at 4:30 so Brody isn't at daycare as long.

• 5:30 pick up Brody


• 6:00-6:30 Dinner


• I skip clean up so we can play


• 7:30 Brody's bath-time, brush teeth


• 8 p.m. read to Brody in bed and rub his back sometimes for 20 minutes!


• Once Brody is in bed clean up dinner and prepare dinner for the next day


• Get gym bag, lunch ready for the next day


• Laundry, ironing(basically anything that I need to catch up on)


• 11-11:30 I am usually in bed

Did I mention that I wake up around 5:30-6 a.m.?

Glimpse of my day, nothing spectacular, rather normal I assume. It's our rhythm-we have it, finally.

Ready, Set, New Year!

December 31, 2008 via text to my friend J:

"What are you wearing tonight, I just want to look cute?! I am going to Macy's to see if they have the boots I want on sale. I want to wear a dress but it is soooo cold out-no matter I won't be kissing anyone regardless!"

Now the words above are not entirely correct, but I do remember having a conversation with my girl friend J like that before she came over to my house for a long night of need I say, "What did I do???".

Yep that was me a year ago, not even single for a full year, trying everything I could to cover up the blemish that I thought leaving my sons father had created. Little did I know at the time it was the blemish I was creating by dating a ton and drinking too much those first few months that I would have to face head on in 2009.

Well...January 1, 2009 I had a massive headache and a clear vision that has followed me through to 3 days ago when I read this post on mssinglemama.com . The vision I had is irrelevant, however after viewing her post (do it!) I realized that a lot has been unfulfilled and I am still where I was one year ago.

Now, I have replaced the alcohol with running (and may I say I look hot), my two jobs with one great one, and the random men for more solid relationships...my point is I have changed a lot and mostly for the better. My evolution is ready to hit it's peak where I really am starting to understand myself, and it's awesome. However, there was still that need to have men in my life-how silly but their attention is my vulnerability.

I don't think I am alone when I wish and hope that I could find that one true person that I can share my thoughts and feelings with. Someone to help me with my son when his hyperness has reached it' peak and I am going to lose it. Mainly though, I am looking forward to meeting that someone. So much so that i think almost every guy I date is "that someone". My naivete in regards to what I need and want has since the beginning of 2009 turned into empowerment.

I know longer need the attention and affection from a man. I will be making more attempts to meet other single mothers. I won't make excuse as to why I cannot bring myself around couples and their kids. I will stop cleaning when my son asks me to play with him (my house does not need to be spotless all the time!!!).

I will it.

All the silly mistakes I made last year I have learned from and I cannot wait to make new mistakes in the upcoming year. However I know it will be with great clarity that I attempt to move forward as well.

Here's to 2010!!!

p.s. I am sitting home with My Lovely Boy an d he was asleep by 8:30, win for me!!!

Newness for the New Year!

For starters, I am single again. Yippee! Not really, but I like the idea of getting my checks and balances in place again before I commit to another relationship.



Secondly...I will start to have my son Sunday through Thursday evening every week. That means 5 dinner's a week and breakfasts too...I am scared as hell to do the full-time Mom thing. I know I can do it, I know it is not all about dinner and breakfasts but more about a solid routine for My Lovely Boy. He deserves it. His father(my son's) has committed to having him every weekend, he will pick him up from daycare on Friday and drop him off at my house Sunday afternoon. You see, he FINALLY got a new job..he had a dead end job that was going know where and I am so thankful that he found something. I really hope this is the year things turn around for him...



So anyways-being single, having my son full-time all totally new. I am excited and feel refreshed and slightly hyper at the thought of all of it. WHEW. Deep Breath.



Last but not least I will attempt to post more :)

Happy New Year!

Time!

I am sorry blog for losing interest in you! I wrote a few posts and then thought about writing posts. More often than not I wrote them in my head(if anyone does that please let me know) but never made it to my computer.

I could have had post after post, maybe more than one follower, maybe comments, OMG...maybe advertising.

OK, that is just silly.

This is a public forum and I am going to start using it again. I've thought about deleting the previous posts since so much has happened since then. However, what is the fun in that? I will devote more time to my blog. I will get out of bed and write down my thoughts. Ugh. I will try.

The hat I'm wearing is holding my hair from blowing all over the place, he asked me to wear it because he said it made me look hot, hah! I can't help but think as I am on this long bike ride with him that this could be our life together...peaceful trips to the country together, silent happiness in enjoying the scenery, enjoying the wind and the sun, being close to one another.



It has been almost 2 weeks since Man in Waiting and I have spoken (read here for what happened the last time we spoke). He sent me a nice e-mail, I sent him a couple notes as well. It's not going anywhere, nor will it ever, I am ready to move on.

In the meantime I have been getting closer with Boy Wonder. We went for a long bike ride Friday night...it was so nice being that close to him. Yeah know, I don't even feel like writing about him. He really pissed me off today and since I've been spending all my free time with him I haven't had time to post anything new.

I wrote this 2 weeks ago and am just now posting it. Not sure why Boy Wonder pissed me off...it doesn't matter. We are still hanging out just as much, I can't stop, I like him that much. It's easy. More on that later though.

Were meant to lose the people we love, or how else do we know we care for them...

They called him the guy with tattoos on his arms, the tall skinny guy, the guy with the perfect rowing body...they were talking about my Man in Waiting. I had asked one of my new teammates, as I had just joined a rowing team(I will be the coxswain, more on that later), to ask him if he wanted to sit in as they had a boat of seven but needed eight. I hoped he would join, he belongs on the water, he moves beautiful in a boat. He just finished up doing yoga though, he was relaxing on the deck. I was nervous to ask him.

He joined us. He was lead stroke. I joined the coach as he was teaching me terminology and rules of the river. I couldn't take my eyes off my Man in Waiting. He looked amazing, strong. He is actually 40 years old, 13 years older than me.

I joined the team on the sweep a little bit, the coach pulled the cox and put me in. I was sitting right across from Man in Waiting. He was my coach on that short trip. I listened to him, as unsure as I was, I felt comfortable, knowing that I was in charge of 8 other people, knowing he was there to help me.

When the team was finished, I waited for my Man in Waiting, I wanted to see him, talk to him, but I didn't know where to start. Women were staring at him, waiting there turn, even men were staring at him, jealous of his confidence and that women were not looking at them...

I stopped myself from speaking to him, I didn't want my teammates to know that we were familiar with one another, I wanted to give him a chance to talk to the other women that were there.

The prettiest girl there, tall, lithe, blond, and slightly eccentric could not take her eyes off of him. She wanted to talk to Man in Waiting so bad, I felt sorry for her that she was so obvious. While they were conversing I talked to some other people and finished my beer. I had asked him earlier if he needed a ride home as he road his bike to the boathouse, he said yes. I walked past Man in Waiting and the lithe blonde to the ladies room, as I came out she was gone and he was calling my name.

We fit his bike in my truck(SUV, I hate the word though) and I talked the whole way to his house. I told him everything that had happened that day and how much I have been working, but how happy it has made me. He smiled at me, later he told me it was because he enjoyed seeing me excited.

When we pulled up to his house, I didn't want to see him go in. I wanted to hold him and tell him how much I missed him.

We talked instead. A good, long talk.

So much was said, maybe too much. I realize that I loved him too early, but I love him still. There is something about my Man in Waiting. We might never be together and I may never understand him, nor may he ever understand me. He wait's for now, he wait's for me to figure out what I want, who I want, if it's him or Boy Wonder, or whom ever.

There is a lot more to this story, but it's time for bed.